The Pish Predicament of Peppery Popoff

This is the story of Peppery Popoff, an infertile woman who desired a child, so one night she drove up to her local hospital and swung a dining chair through a window. She raided the hospital’s supply of urine capsules, and buggered off.

Her plan was that she was going to build herself a child using samples. Filling them up each and every time she went for a pish, sealing them, and taping them all together with cellotape to fashion something that vaguely resembles the form of a child. The piss in the samples meant the child shared her DNA and was really hers.

She would piss into more and more capsules and stick more onto the child, making it grow like a real child. That worked fine until it reached the age of a toddler, when Peppery dragged it by the “hand” down to the park for a “walk”.

Some chavvy bastard’s dog was drawn to the smell of the piss and attacked Peppery and her child, ripping apart the cellotape and chewing up the glass capsules, greatly upsetting Peppery. So she subdued the dog by jamming a stick up its rear end and took it back to her house.

She cut off the dog’s face and attached it to her child’s, giving it a fleshy face like other children! She further disembowelled the dog and used its skin and organs to fix the damage on her child.

Peppery continued to piss into urine capsules for years afterwards, occasionally robbing another hospital or health clinical here and there to keep up to stock, and the child “grew” into a “teenager”.

The teenage rows set in and Peppery kicked the child out and dumped it on the side of a road. Naturally, being a collection of inanimate urine samples and dog corpse, it didn’t move much. A hapless driver ran over the child’s arm, smashing it completely and allowing precious piss to drain from the shattered remains.

After severing the driver’s arm by approaching his car with a gelinte chainsaw, Peppery used it to replace the child’s ran-over arm and they settled their rows and the child was welcomed back into her home.

Peppery grew old and frail over the years, her piss gradually losing quality, running thin and weak. She could no longer continue building the piss child, and collapsed down the stairs one day due to one of her several dodgey ankles.

By a miracle of god -- or perhaps her alzheimer's -- the piss child gained autonomy and began walking towards her. The child had with it piss wife and piss children. The child thanked its mother for giving the child life, and the child and its family walked out the door.

Peppery, content that she had lived a full life, died at the bottom of the stairs. Pissing herself after losing all bladder control and dying with a smile on her face.

The End.


Daryl Devine © 2013

(Because I really want to copyright bloody this.)